Write,

I want to write. Im best at writing what i know, however im not sure where to begin. I want to write my love story. But theres a problem there, i dont know what part i should write. Should i write the "how they met" story, or should i write about the heartbreak? Whos perspective should i write in?

I admire the Twilight saga, simply because she was able to capture the undying love that they had for eachother and share it with the world. that is my dream to be able to capture something beautiful and put it on paper.

Blog

Alter Ego.

Funny thing. I feel like i have a huge huge alter ego.

People are so interesting i find that things are harder in perspective, but everyone always says to "look at things with a perspective" i say bullshit. Look at things the way you want! Every one has an alter ego at some point you their life, sometimes it comes out in anger, other times its completely random. Admitting you have one ohh thats a whole nother story. Nother? is nother a word. This is my blog, it is now.

There is so much controversy on blogs, why people do them, and what kind of acknowledgment they should get.

I want to be a writer when i grow up. Cliche. If my son came up to me and said, mom im gonna be a writer, i would say, oh nooo you aren't!! at least that's what i hope i would have the gutts to say. Because being a writer is not easy. Ive been a writer since i was in 4th grade! And boy, has it got me into trouble. My mother would say the least.

Easy as breathing

• "Easy as breathing"

  Is it odd that i relate to this story so much, im not sure. Why do i look so far into things all the time its the most annoying trait that i have. Why do i still think about him, when i am merely a memory to him and from what i know a bad memory, one he wishes to forget. Why is it so hard for me to move on? even though in some sense i have. i have Mark and i have Hayven and its been 2 years! Almost everything i see, everything i read, i think of him. My thoughts are so uncontrolled that i am losing my mind.
  
  i'm exactly right for you
  Hes your drug
  I am healthier, i would have been the air, the sun.
  My personal sun, you balanced out the clouds nicely
  I cant fight the eclipse
  
  Why is this all so familiar?
  
  Why can i move on.

For Now

Loving someone comes so naturally, almost easy.
Being with them and dealing with each others problems is hard.
Sticking around was harder.
But whats hardest is forgetting them.

Loving someone new was easy, hiding my broken heart grew easier with time. Comparing them was unavoidable.
My heart is permantly broken, fighting to heal, Its like i broke my ribs, nothing i can do but be careful and let time heal it, but every time i move, everytime i think of you the rib is broken again.

Reminders of you follow me.

My heart hasn't beat the same since you left that day. Im terrified. I dont know if it will ever change.

I want to move on, i can get by.
Im beginning to wonder if it will be possible.

Im terrified, but im not leaving.
you know ill probably be here if you ever come back
Why did you have to go,
you could have stayed and given me a chance
why did you turn away
are you that angry at me

its been a long time since you've called me
are you going crazy like me
or is it just me that feels this way

have i ran out of time.

ill wait.

Tuesday, 01 December 2009

Mother Dearest

it wasnt the words
it wasnt the bruises
it wasnt the drugs
all of my efforts are useless

addicted to meth
afraid to quit
losing sight
and afraid to admit
admit that your wrong
admit that you wont be here
admit that you suck
admit that you are living in fear

could you look me in my eyes
and understand
that your oldest daughter is through with your lies
through with your shit
through with waiting for you stupid crackhead to quit

im so through with you
i hate your guts
and i hate what you do
your not my mother
your not my friend
your not here
so dont pretend


Absence has made me hate you

Friday, 11 December 2009

A begining

• Venting is required

  Why do people feel the need to act as if they know me, am i that easy to read, do i really portray that message. I try to be complex i also try and block alot of my past out, simply because i dont want to dwell on it. No matter how hard i try people just keep acting like they know me and everything about me. Okay my mom died no big deal. I got over it so why cant anyone else.
  
  Really i didnt get over it, really it still gets harder each day to face all those faces that are thinking exactly what im thinking, this is so hard.
  
  "Hey Jen, how are you feeling today?" This is what my teachers ask me everyday as i walk in to class, and everyday i just say "fine" and walk to my desk, no change of expression, no over excitement. Its been three months, don't you think they might want to lay off. I think they are mostly being pushy simply because havnt spoken one word to anyone about her death. God which reminds me i have to meet with a counseler today, part of Jays trying to be a parent, so not working. Jay is my mothers youngest brother to say the least.
  
  day 73 of school after my mothers death, check.
  Oh god why did he insist on driving my mothers 1969 convertible mustang to to pick me up, its not that it reminds me of her, it just reminds me how young my quote on quote uncle is. God he looks like a greek goddess, dark mysterious hair, faded blue jeans, and his armani red shirt, and to top it off his freaking boots! he is so embarrassing.
  
  "hey kid! How was school?"
  
  "do you have to dress like a greek goddess everytime you pick me up from school? i know you just sit at home all day in your robe and wait tell one so you can start getting ready to pick me up, honestly i think i would mind less if you came in your robe."
  
  "i dont think your classmates mind" He grinned
  
  "i cant wait tell i get my car back" i grumbled
  
  "so are we off to that counseling session?" i asked
  
  "We? No you are" He shot me a painful smile that just reminded me of how excruciating the 55 minutes of talking to someone that just liked to hear themselves talk and so they decided to make a living off of it. Great.
  "how are we feeling today? How do you feel about this, How do you feel about that?"
  Blah blah, i wonder if he knows that when he sits down his pants go almost up to his knees, maybe thats why he didnt greet me at the door because he accidentally wore high waters today, but then again he may have just been oblivious. Big framed glasses, those extremely tacky rubber shoes that everyone seems to be wearing now days, a sweater vest! Come on seriously! So much for not stereo typing, this guy is a straight up nerd. His office was typical all kinds of framed documents, declaring how smart he is, a couch, a desk, a phone, the usual.
  "Jen, hello? Are you okay Jen"
  "oh i'm sorry, this is the 5th counselor ive seen and i subconsciously cut out all the intros, because they are all the same, sorry. Lets just cut to the chase."
  
  
  to be continued

Care enough to look

Im so torn, i swear you could see my heart bleeding, if you cared enough to look.

What is my problem why do i sit here like a little girl waiting for you, for any ounce of thought that you might send my way, when i know that its never going to happen. Im so stupid i just wait around for you to write me or talk to me, when its NEVER EVER going to happen. Im stupid, stupid little girl.

Isn't it easy enough that you live almost 2000 miles away! No its not.

as if you didnt make it easy enough to hate you, i still love you, i'm still crazily in love with the thought of us! It IS my love story and i will never experience it the way we did. Yea i do believe in love after love but i also believe in following what the heart desires.

My heart desires you! i will never ever let you leave my mind. I promised you forever baby and forever is what you shall have. Im here, waiting, just tell me when.